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Tuesday 13 August 2013

Starry starry night

So we had the most amazing meteor showers last night.  I did try to look at them but, as my pupils were pinpricks, it was quite hard to see the normal stars, let alone any milisecond streaks across the sky.

The joy of morphine is the relief from the pain.  By the end of the day, the pain is really rather severe and I tend to take myself off to bed quite early, to lie propped on the nest of pillows that Em made.  I haven't been able to lie on my right side for months now and, when I lie on my left side, the lump under my arm pinches my tendon and makes it impossible to find a comfortable position.  Also the lump in the armpit has irritated the skin on both sides by rubbing and stretching.  To be honest, it is like walking around with a ping pong ball in your armpit.  Try it for an hour or two and see how cross-making it is.

I tortured myself last night with the whole "Am I addicted to morphine now?" nonsense.  I really look forward to my nightly dose of oramorph for many reasons.  Firstly, because it takes away the pain.  Secondly, because I get to sleep in a really good, deep, fluffy way.  Thirdly, it shuts off my brain from the constant list of things still to be done, said and contemplated.  It is my only break from the grinding reality that the pain is going to get worse and I am not going to get better.

I don't make a ritual out of it - I have my dose, clean my teeth, hop into bed and usually fall deeply asleep in the middle of a sentence in my book.  Last night, I woke up to go with the girls to look at the stars.  I don't think I really needed to see the stars.  I just needed to be there with the girls.  However, that didn't stop me wanting to see the stars and being slightly foot-stompy about not being able to.  Nor did it stop me taking my morphine anyway.  

So does it matter if I am slowly becoming addicted to the numb tranquility it brings?  Probably not.  However, I can see how seductive it is and am beginning to understand why people fall into opiate addiction so easily.  I can also see that it could be impossible to control.

I never touched illegal drugs, being the addictive personality type.  I am glad I didn't now.  However, I am also immensely glad that, in my hour of need, I can have the relief that I need.  I only wish that the vision thing was the other way round, so I could have seen the meteor shower in a Van Gogh type way

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