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Thursday 29 August 2013

But but but (or inside a cancer patient's mind)

I have been feeling remarkably better since my little jaunt to hospital 3 weeks or so ago.  Good news, you think.  Well, yes, it is good news but the old brain can't leave it alone.

You see outside factors, such as my hair growing back, eyelashes returned and even the eyebrows (although they are grey) and back, help the self-esteem.  I don't feel so tired, so sick and so washed out.  I have become accepting of the limitations of chemo-brain.  I feel OK, not depressed, not angry, not futile but actually like I may still be making a useful contribution as a wife, mum and annoying bristly hornet to idiots in ed world.  I am eating like a Trojan (admitting to 11 pm snack of New York Cheesecake from Waitrose  WITH double cream), finding it easier to run up and downstairs and am no longer blindsided by fatigue quite so much.


The physical signs are not good.  The lump in my shoulder is no smaller but is no longer filled with fluid.  This might mean that the cancer is getting bigger or just that the fluid is not in one big pocket anymore or that everything is so inflamed.  The mobility of my right arm is pretty limited now and I have to remember to take pain meds every four hours and I need morphine to help me sleep at night.  I can feel stuff in the lymph nodes round my neck - it sometimes feels like a necklace of barbed wire after chemo.  I take longer to heal from blood tests and injections and knocks and bumps.

So is the chemo working?  It seems to have worked on the bits of cancer that had spread outside of the main area at the last scan some 6 weeks or so ago.  It doesn't seem to be arresting the main area particularly.  At least it's not making it grow like the Docytaxyl seemed to.  But the lump is definitely not decreasing and seems to be increasing.

My next scan is in another couple of weeks time, after the next round of chemo next week.  I don't want bad news this time.  I have had enough of that. I am one of these people who don't peek and prod my Christmas presents or open my cards early on my birthday.  


I would rather know than not know. 

I think.....


  1. Every moment of every day, you are helping others. One day at a time and here is hoping for the good news! So grateful for all of your posts - I look for them every day.
    With many loving thoughts being sent your way…… xxxxx G

  2. Keep on kicking arse gorgeous lady, Bex xxx

  3. My name is Harry Diaz Michelle, My husband had suffered so much helping cure my disease we went bankrupt of this. And my husband had searched everywhere for help until one day my husband was sitting close to a pool not far from my house then he meant a black-man who noticed he was so sad and the man came to him ask what his problem were and my husband told him everything that is happening to me and the man laughed at my husband, my husband said he was angry and he thought he was been laughed at because his wife had cancer but unfortunately the man laughed because the sickness sound like it was just a slight headache. He told my husband that this problem is easy he gave my husband and email and told him to contact the Dr. Iroko with the email that this man can help cure any type of cancer with herb. We contacted this man and he sent his herbal medicine and perhaps i took it for 1week twice a day and i was completely healed from cancer of the eye. I am sorry if this is too much if only i can write more and more cause it was like God had our prayers and send someone to us who direct us to our savior Dr. Iroko. So i come to you today cause that same God has also used me to post this testimonies so that you that is also sick from this disease can also be free forever.