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Tuesday 20 August 2013

Too darn tired

Yesterday afternoon, I was too darn tired to even talk to Laura Collins.  I just couldn't get past the pain, however many paracetamol I took and there would be no point her interviewing me for a book, if I was out of my head on morphine.  Sometimes, the tiredness from pain is overwhelming and you think you can't take any more.  Constant pain is really debilitating.

I didn't answer the phone last night either.  I just can't face people telling me how badly my diagnosis is affecting them and how much they want to help.  This situation is about me, HWISO and the girls, alongside my brothers and brother-in-law and I have spent too much of my life appeasing other people and trying to make them feel comfortable/loved/a valued member of the team.  Those who love me completely understand - Romay and Laura got gold stars for being just great last night.  Those who are more interested in how things are impacting them are just not on my list.

On that note, I got a great email from S.  S's father died when she was 11.  She said it was extraordinary that the people from whom she expected support and help were unable to give it, as they were too close.  The best support came from those who were one step removed but had had a similar experience.  I am hoping that my girls will be able to lean on people like S in times of trouble and not be expected to deal with other people's grief, on top of their own.

However - here it comes.....the upside - a very small steroid dose first thing in the morning, alongside a magic pill for the stomach has transformed my day and I am now more than coping with the pain and the seroma swelling is reducing before my eyes.

The girls slept in Em's car at a party last night.  Idiots forgot to:

a) turn off the dipped headlights; and
b) recharge their phones.

So a panicked phone call at 7.30 am this morning from some random passer-by's phone and then radio silence for 2 hours.  This has been the "Summer of the Steep Learning Curve".  Imagine my joy when I got a call when they were some 20 minutes from home, asking (evah so nicely!) if I could put on some sausages and bacon for breakfast.  Apparently, the really nice builders on the building site came with a van and jump leads and showed Em how to open her bonnet.

(Passport, check: Flat battery, check: Open bonnet, check: Appreciating home, check: ....)


  1. Most people don't need cancer to be too tired to talk with me, but, never mind.

    Please, nicely, forgive the world for being upset. You are fixing to leave a Charlotte-sized hole in the world and I doubt you appreciate the size that is. We are upset, HUGELY.

    Here's an idea. Stop being shockingly clever, startingly direct, hysterically funny, and a good friend. Stop making a difference in people's lives, stop telling people what they really need to hear, stop being admirable and smart and being so well connected to the world. Stop connecting people to others they really need to know.

    I know, I know, don't say it: you will.

    But really, you can't be YOU without it upsetting others about losing YOU and one thing I know you do NOT want is for everyone to stop being honest. That's when the head tilting starts, which you will not abide.


    1. Speechless and ever so slightly quivering bottom lip.....

  2. Oh Laura. You are so right.

    My mind went to: what? Em doesn't know how to pop the hood (ie, open the bonnet)?! How is this child prepared for life??? I need to find Mamame's list of things every kid needs to learn, which included a whole lot of important stuff including baking a cake from scratch and firing a gun...

    1. Where is that list? We need it. Definitely worth a blog.

  3. Laura, you have said that so perfectly.
    Included on the list: change a light bulb, hang a picture, change a car tyre and check the pressure, check the smoke detector is working, wash and iron clothes.

    Charlotte hope the new pain management strategy keeps on working.

  4. Here's my list:

    Buy, sign, and send a Mother's Day Card. With a stamp.
    (Extra points for sending one to Grandma.)

    Do this and everyone else will find you so charming they'll do the other stuff for you.