Friday, 20 September 2013
It seems to be a bit of a dichotomy for me to making plans for the future.
For example, I am writing a book with Laura that I may never finish and she may have to be finished for me. This will be hard for her, I know. Now my deadline (Geddit?) has been extended by another three months, I am hoping there will be enough material there for her to edit my early morning ramblings sensibly and not have to tackle trawling through my blog and forum stuff, through red eyes and weepy nose. (I know her too well)
I am also making plans with Em for her university applications (amazing predicted grades - so proud of her) and her plans to go to the USA and "do" a summer camp next year. My amazing friends from Around the Dinner Table have stepped up and offered camp options and beds - qualify that, homes - and support. So I feel safer letting her make the plans and go, knowing that someone, somewhere will pick her up, give her a bath, a hot meal, a bed and love, wherever she lands up.
I hope to do the same for Georgie, or let her ride on the crest of her sister's wave and follow her round to these amazing people.
I am seeing friends from long ago, literally picking up after nearly 20 years, without skipping a heartbeat. A conversation with Froggy, whilst she sat in the Perse carpark waiting for her son, was as if it hadn't been 20 odd years, but about a week. We still laugh at the same things we laughed at Riddlesworth in 1972!
I make plans, put people in the diary, qualifying that I may have to cancel as I have had to this week, re-arrange furniture, write lists of things that only I know, teach HWISO basic household management and how to work the on-line banking system for the farm, try and impart wisdom to the girls without sounding too like a grandparent and continue to try and share my hard-won knowledge of eating disorders with other parents.
I am trying to put things in place to safeguard HWISO and the girls from too much fallout of family feuds and arguments. I am garnering my courage to face down certain situations that need facing. I am making plans for Tim's holiday in November. I have done my Christmas shopping for the most part - just the wrapping to do.
I have sorted out the summer clothes and put them away. I have finished washing the cashmeres and ordered a new tablecloth for the kitchen, as no one else will think of it. I have thrown away my sentimental (but smelly) shoes and become decidedly less sentimental about my shells, which are now all out by the swimming pool. I can't quite bring myself to do anything about the bowl of marble eggs, collected by me and by mother-in-law. I know. I know. Somehow they bring me comfort and continuation.
I want to scan some more photos in and know I should probably label the older ones but hope that people like Selina, Fifi, Melissa and Froggy will fill in the school years and Heavenly Gay Godfather - there seem to be an awful lot of him - can fill in some of the "lost years" of my early 20's.
But am I being too controlling? Should I be doing something else and stop trying to protect and help my family when I am gone? Should I just let them flounder on, safe in the knowledge they will eventually sort it out? Should I stop trying to be so helpful, as that is really what it is about?
So it's no wonder I don't sleep much.
Photo: Southwold Beach c 1970
From left to right
My mother-in-law, Felicity, HWISO, Me, Mum, my brother-in-law, James