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Wednesday 11 September 2013
Do I? Don't I?
So this afternoon I have another scan. This is to see if it has spread anywhere else again and whether the chemo is working on the original lump.
If you had asked me on Sunday, I would have said the chemo was definitely not working on the lump which is now huge and constricts movement in my right arm quite considerably. However, today it seems to have lessened. Whether that it is because I have stopped sorting out things on high shelves (Why? To prove to myself I can? To be independent? To not worry HWISO about how restricted my movement really is? Like he hasn't noticed?), or because it was when the chemo was doing its crunching, who knows?
And that is the problem. Do I want to know?
If it has spread and gone somewhere really bad - like the liver or the pancreas - do I want to face it just now? (The little voice in my head saying I still have so much to do.). On the other hand, I can torture myself thinking that it has spread - every autumn twinge getting out of bed on a cold morning instantly becomes "cancer of the knee" - and would probably rather know that it is just a autumn twinge.
It is a tough place and I won't get the results until Monday anyway. So I guess that I will just have to take my own advice, put on my Big Girls Pants and Breathe.
This afternoon, I get to lie down in the sexy (for that, read totally draining) ice blue gown, have an injection that makes you feel both honeymoon itch and that you have wet yourself and stay still whilst this huge ring goes over you, telling you to breath in and breath out. (And, yes, my automatic reaction to the computer generated voice is to tell it to Sod Off!). Another hole in the arm - they can't do it through my port - and another afternoon of being cheerfully resigned to lying on cold metal in an uncomfortable position so someone can look at my insides.
I have been distracting myself successfully so far this week by keeping really busy and am lucky enough to have two dear friends coming over today. I also have a Plan Of Action to discuss with my Scottish Mum and another to discuss with another mum, which involves lots of researching and careful wording, overnight edits on the book to do, another friend to co-opt onto a committee and to spend some time at Tesco's with Em, buying all the stuff on G's list and finding her a hot water bottle.
And the very last bit of E's cake to eat which ALL MINE......