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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

A matter of choice?

This deserves a blog all of it's own.  Thank you, Mel


*Sigh sigh sigh*.
If it were a choice, I don't think I'd have CHOSEN to spend the last 20 ears battling and struggling to stay alive.
Nor would I have CHOSEN to cause such heartache and distress to my family and loved ones.
I wouldn't have CHOSEN to try and try again only to be defeated time and time again and wind up in a hospital bed, head bent in shame, humiliation, embarrassment and frustration.
I wouldn't have chosen to spend more time as an inpatient than an outpatient so far this year (and true of many years prior to this one).
I wouldn't choose now to see my parents aging before my eyes, and to feel such helplessness - in that I should be looking after THEM. I wouldn't choose for them to have their daughter be such a burden and a worry.
I didn't choose failing kidneys, a struggling heart, wonky ecgs, electrolyte imbalances that could stop my heart in a beat. I didn't choose to have my bowels fall out of my arse, or the humiliating round of investigative procedures and eventually removal of growths that followed (a buggered-up bowel is an inviting place for such lovelies). Nor did I choose to have crumbling and rotting teeth, thinning hair and skin so thin and dry that a mere touch and it flakes off; a slight knock and bruising appears.
I'd never choose the stigma, the looks, the sneers. I wish I could choose NOT to see the looks of pity and frustration from staff, as I leave inpatient treatment, again. And the same looks when I return weeks/months later because I have apparently CHOSEN not to look after myself and not to keep myself safe. What do I expect other than to wind up in hospital? Again.
This is not a "poor me" whine (well, maybe just a little..will pull myself together in a moment;)), but it is the truth.
Choice doesn't come into it. Either the gun's loaded, or it's not.

3 comments:

  1. Yes, Mel , it is unfair and tragic that the medical community failed to treat you properly or effectively. It is even worse that you carry that unearned burden of guilt. It is time to acknowledge the biological physiological needs of the sufferers so that real recovery is achievable.

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  2. No no, thankYOU Charlotte (despite leaving the "ears" typo in..*giggle*) :).
    Thankyou for your tireless advocating and for easing the feelings of shame that still haunt me and, I'm sure, so many others in darker moments.
    All the best to you and yours, Mel xXx

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  3. Mel,

    Tragically and unfairly, there are many in the world, particularly those who ought to know better, who have CHOSEN not to become better educated about the cause and symptoms your eating disorder. Sadly, you are paying the price for THEIR choice, and it also adds to your burden of suffering.

    I wish you all the best for a future recovery from this cruel condition. I am choosing to do what I can to educate others so that we can save more lives, and so that the ignorant hurtful condemnation of ED sufferers will end.

    Sending love and hugs,

    Martine xoxooxoxox

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