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Monday, 4 March 2013

Sometimes ...........

I wake up in the middle of the night because I am too hot, or my toes are sticking out of bed and have gone numb or I want a drink of water or the dogs are barking.  In those bleary seconds before I move, I forget I have cancer.  My life is simple, unremarkable, normal.

And then I move and the realisation that Life Sucks really hits me because it hurts to move and I instinctively use my right arm to throw off a blanket, full up the duvet, reach for a glass of water, turn on the light.

And my right arm hurts when I use it and there is now some tubing in it attached to a bulb and fluid draining out of it and the plaster which keeps the tube in place is over my scar which itches and in my armpit which means I can't wash properly and the tube is full of icky coloured stuff, which puts me off my breakfast (and lunch and supper!).

And quite frankly, this makes me all a bit snippy and cross.

I sometimes lie there wondering when I will die and what will happen if I do.  HWISO and I have had these conversations in the past, slightly jokingly.  Now, we have them in all seriousness.

"You are not to stay here" I say. "You have a tendency to shrineage and it will be impossible for another woman to live here after me.  It could be all a bit "Rebecca" like."

"But I don't want to get married again."

"You do, if you know what's good for you."

Tears.

"Let's not talk about it."

I am not dying.  It is not terminal.  There is a lot of hope that I will recover and it will never reoccur.  This is a chronic condition, not a terminal disease.  For me.

For others, they have no choice.  That is why I support this campaign so very much.  Let's talk about dying and make sure your loved ones know what you want.

Dying matters.


1 comment:

  1. Dearest Charlotte, just came on to get an update and am shocked at your news. My prayers and deepest love I send to you. Fight strongly and passionately as you know you can. You have so much to give to yourself and others. You are the rock in a frock and the owner of massively big pants. My inspiration and mentor.
    I don't know what else to say except I love you. Be brave and strong my friend. We still have to meet and am working on this.

    Grace xxx

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