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Tuesday 29 October 2013

Autumn morning

As winter creeps into the edges of day, it is hard to think that I may never see summer again.  I woke this morning feeling mouldy and thought I was running a temperature. Half of me was relieved because it meant I could stay here and not do chemo tomorrow. It is the chemo that made me so I'll last time and I worry that it may finish me off early this time - all those midnight terrors, Mrs Crispy!  As we have no electricity at home, it is a bit of touch and go whether I should go home to a cold house.

The other half of me wants to carry on fighting. I just wish I had a bit more energy to do it. However, we shall see what the blood test reveals tomorrow and go from there. At least the oral thrush/ steroid combination seems to have sorted itself out and I can now stick out my tongue, assured it is slightly pink and no longer resembling a tomato long forgotten at the bottom of the vegetable drawer in the fridge - white and furry, with a hint of pink....

I have these thoughts until I see HWISO in the morning and then I know I shall carry on as long as I can, just for the pleasure of his sleep crumpled face and scowl in the half light of an autumn morning.


  1. I think I would keep going to see Mark too my love. I get misty thinking that one of us will go before the other, I love your honesty. And I so do not like cancer.

    I've never had oral thrush but I did have it this year, pretty much an unpleasant experience brought about by antibiotics and ick.

    You once said to me that I had it worse than you being in a car accident, I think you win my dear friend. And it pisses me off no end.

  2. "As winter creeps into the edges of day, it is hard to think that I may never see summer again." Charlotte, what you wrote there has been haunting me. I find it incredibly sad and wistful. Trying to imagine what it's like to face, so very directly, the loss of this particular pleasure, knowing this and many other losses will come to us all. I also read in many of your posts how you are savouring what the present days - when there's less pain - are bringing you. As I walk with my dog through some very gorgeous autumn scenery, I think of you.
    Much love