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Wednesday 10 July 2013

How do I feel

about the new chemo today?  Not great.  Well, let's me honest, knicker-wettingly scared. 

I have had two weeks clear of drugs and chemo and my brain and body is just getting back to some sense of normal.  Lots of pain in the shoulder but the mind is clear and that is the way round I would rather have it.

Two weeks ago, I was unable to say "Scotch bonnet chillies" but instead described them as "hot, red hat chillies".  This was not an affectation or an attempt to be funny but an indication of how fuzzy my brain was.  I hate that.  I really really mind about it.  At least when you are pregnant and do absent-minded things like put your shoes in the deep freeze and not discover them for a few months, you know pregnancy is going to end and eventually your brain will return to normal.  When you are terminally ill and having long-term chemo treatment and the likelihood of increasingly larger doses of morphine, you know your brain will never return to optimum function.

That sucks.

I read this today and have printed it out to give to my oncologist.  I want her to answer the "What would you do?" question for me.  I think I know what she would do because she believes wholeheartedly in the treatment regime she is prescribing for me.  I also know that she will not answer my question because she will tell me she is not in my position.

I also read this.  I am filled with sadness for Lord Saatchi.  I cheer on his Medical Innovation Bill and hope, for all us out here, that it gets through.  I also wish that I could help him move on and pray that HWISO doesn't end up like him.

I worry too that everyone is wasting time worrying about me dying instead of enjoying me living. 

Meanwhile, a picture of my big brother's house in Italy to cheer me up.


  1. One of the first things that occurred to me when I got off the floor from shock and then again from UNREASONING RAGE is just that: the living part. In fact it is a bit rude and selfish to make the time we have into a big good-bye or to sit in a hushed silence.

  2. Charlotte - I hear you and you have every right to your choices and wishes. You will make a wise decision based on what you and your family want. Love your brother's house and I want to jump in that pool along with you.